Searching

For the past month or so with all the recent events of my loosing person after person has left me feeling lost and confused looking for an answer wondering if it could possibly be me , what’s wrong with me . Prior to the event I prayed and asked God to move my life in the right path to better me as a better person for me        and on to a better life . Constantly praying for answer a sign something , I felt like maybe he just wasn’t hearing me . I came so far as a person but I could feel myself little by little slipping back into my old ways . My boyfriend left , what I considered a close friend fell off and we are no longer close , I think constantly what did I do was I not good enough for him ? Was she only around take what I had to offer ? Scrolling down my Facebook recently the sign that I had been begging and pleading for had finally been given to me:

At that very moment everything started to make a little sense. He’s given me exactly what I have been asking for , a better me . Never did I think that it would start by loosing one of the most important people to me . The whole feeling of being lost , missing who I felt I couldn’t live without , going day to day just wishing that I could have some type of peace of mind to relax . Maybe I had become to dependent on my situation and God decided to mix it up for me so that I can make it on my own and believe in myself that I can make it . Many nights I lay in my bed restless trying to solve the equation, why was everything happening to me , and within a matter of time he gave me my answer . Adjusting and accepting the changes God has made in my life have been challenging, but I’m not questioning his motives, everything he does is for a reason , and if things are meant to be then they will be . Patience is virtue, you learn to wait for things that you want , so when the time comes when finally get what you’ve been asking for you can appreciate what you have . All I can do now is just sit back , watch my life unfold, and pray that in the end that I’m where I want to be .

Self Love

Growing up in today’s society can be a little rough everyone’s looking for love and acceptance , desperately taking it from anyone . Children with parents that weren’t around mentally , passed away, or just chose not to be there at all , going out looking for that love that they feel like they’re missing hoping to find it in someone else . A badly thought mistake that has repeated it self thoughout history time after time . Without guidance that bad mistake creates more problems for them , “falling in love” with the wrong person or people , constantly lookin for happiness in someone else and have yet to find it in ones self. Finding love within yourself has the best feeling of satisfaction, and a peace within your inner self . Taking time to actually get to know yourself and knowing what you want out of your life , setting goals and achieving them, with time a patience your partner will come and you’ll know exactly when it’s time . Being happy with yourself gives you so much positivity , pushing out all the negativity in your life that you don’t need , friends, family , jobs , etc. Finding out how to love yourself is like being rebirthed into another world , giving a whole new light to the world , a happiness that you could never find in another human being . With prayer and focusing on yourself , not allowing anyone to stray you away from your path to reach your goal of inner peace . Forgiving any and everyone that may have cross your path causing mayhem , not holding grudges out of anger moving on with life . Not for them but for yourself , using your energy for something more self positive, letting go of useless anger that’s only making you miserable. An unknown author once said, “Life becomes simpler and lighter. When you love yourself more then things simply become lighter and easier. You won’t make as many mountains out of molehills (or out of plain air) as you used to. Or beat yourself up or drag yourself down over mistakes or temporary setbacks.”, learn how to love yourself,  don’t make your life harder than it has to be, don’t create a struggle for yourself that doesn’t have to be in existence , let go of your past and live for today

Just thoughts

I’m not longer going to worry about things that I can’t fix . I have always had this fixation with my life and trying to fix and make everything right but mean while the things that I continued to try to change I had no control over . Since becoming a mother not only do I try to fix my own life but everyone else’s as well, me being the person that I am I hate to see someone I concider a friend or family , hurt . If only I could have everything my way , sadly it doesn’t work that way . My mom always told me the world doesn’t revolve around me , but I figured that it would change up for at least a day . I’m tired of asking for the same thing and not recieving what I want it at least trying to see things my way and act on my request. I can only ask so many times before I get tired and give up, at this point I’ve reached my limit , and I begin to question what it actually is and if there’s anything wrong with me . I give up . I can’t struggle and go back and forth with the subject any longer . I can’t change it , and there is nothing that I can physically do about it . I go over and beyond to show you in hopes of swaying you my way and you won’t even budge . I don’t know what it could be .. I give . 

Lost heart

Have you ever lost your heart? I think mine is on its way out the door . Thousands of miles away, with no intent of ever coming back only looking ahead, I long and plead to at least be a mirage in the horizon. I knew it was no promise but if only I could control how I want things to be, to mold our future into what we could be. I fear that I will just become dust in the wind left with the memory of what used to be we . I fear that moving ahead means me losing us, I know they say ” if it’s meant to be then it’ll be” , but my mind has me thinking other wise . I know my situation isn’t perfect, but I try , see what we are now, and how I wish it could be a little better, it makes me wonder what and how it’ll be when your gone . Nights when you’re away mind is awake and at play, dreaming or could it just be a fairy tale ? Every moment that we share I cherish, I never get to see you much, if it were up to me I would spend every waking moment with you, just to wake up to your face after my naps bring me joy . I honestly can say I’ve learned so much from you, and it’s appreciated to the tee. I don’t ask for much, simply because you’re enough and more, everything that I ever asked . Tears fill my eyes, with the thought of losing my heart , my salvation, the little peace that I do have in this crazy world . Have lost your heart ?

Past

Through all the pain, hurt, and heartache, in each relationship I’ve had I still try to love like I’ve never been damaged . Cheated on, lied to, and left for someone else that I didn’t and couldn’t even believe that she could be compared to my worth and value, still trying to trust and not hold my past over my futures head. Dropped with no explanation with the expectations of finally being loved or what I thought was love. Nights laying in my bed wondering where I went wrong, analyzing myself , looking to see what I could have done different or better, in stead of looking at the situation, in which I did nothing wrong . Looking back so young , and nieve, looking for love in all the wrong places, at that irresponsible place in my life I realized that I would never find love until it found me. A change of pace , situation, and focus I got what I wanted . Reminiscing back on the past I can no longer be hurt, but find the strength to move on and let go . God brings certain people into our lives for a reason and my past and its problems have shaped me into the budding young woman and mother that I am . Each relationship taught me something different and I wouldn’t changed anything that I’ve went through for nothing in this world, everything happens for a reason . How can you expect to move on if you keep rereading the same chapter over again ? How can you expect growth if you can’t learn from you mistakes and misleads ? Let go and let God , get your happiness.

My Life

Do I matter ? Does my opinion matter ? What about my wants and needs ? My life . Everyone seems to think they know what’s best for you and what you need . My life, knowing what I want and crave for but afraid to go after it , fearing that I’ll prove any and everyone that has ever doubted me right . My life, confused thoughts of what I want and what people want for me ramble in my mind, many sleepless night and restless days, a conscious battle I fight from day to day . Loosing focus, my life, forgetting what really means the most to me, what makes me happy and worrying about what I can do to keep every on looker or doubters lips pressed , and not showing weakness allowing them to see what actual control I’ve allowed them to have of, my life . Living day to day wondering if you’ll ever gather the courage to break out of your fear and go for what you want . My life,taking it back and giving no submission . I no longer live for anyone else and what they say , no longer afraid of what everyone else has to say, no longer afraid of failing. My life, taking a leap out on faith and praying for success.. ” Today I start to leave my dream My Life. ” I don’t want to be years ahead and look back a regret what I didn’t do . Today I live .

Have you ever

Have you ever laid in your bed and wondered what happened what went wrongHave you ever sat and thought wish you could’ve done to possibly fix it Have you ever tried to be there for someone and all they could do was push you away feeling so unwanted nothing you can say or do can fix it (not to sound selfish) Going to sleep with a heavy heart because you couldn’t even help only to be rushed out of the conversation and on to wonder what it was that you did phone conversations in silence weak random thoughts uttered from my lips only trying to strike up the convo to ease his mind of the stress Sitting in my bed knowing that I can’t do anything I can only pray and leave it at the hands of the lord ..

Empire

I know some people may thinknom crazy for this but Empire is my favorite show of all time and I feign and crave for the show each season that approaches. I don’t think I’ve ever been so into a tv show as I have been into this one, one of the shows that I can watch that finally isn’t reality . Lee Daniels has created a hit and he knew exactly what he was doing . The castes actors/actresses are amazing and flow so well together, I felt like it was kinda like a continuation of HUSTLE AND FLOW of you will . There’s so much drama entailed and I love ever bit of it, my release of the week is finally back and quickly approaching just a couple more minutes left and my world stops just for a quick hour. Slight social media for the memes (kicks & giggles), no texts and no phone calls …